The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)

Dr. Kenner:      Here’s a question I received from Melinda, and just take a look at her fiancé, as I describe her question to me. “Dr. Kenner, I am trying to decide whether to marry my fiancé, Roger, or end our relationship. Without a doubt, we love each other dearly, but we never agree on his stepdaughter. When we started dating five years ago, Roger’s college-aged daughter, Amy, was living at home. Since I am also a stepdaughter, I tried to be sensitive and reach out to Amy.” Now listen to what she does – “By asking her about her day, by cooking her favorite dinner, by not being too intrusive.” Man, that’s good that you know not to do that Melinda. “By taking off work and accompanying her when she had minor surgical procedures and frequently inviting her to go places with her father and me. My fiancé Roger was recovering from bankruptcy. His first wife ran him into bankruptcy twice in 12 years. I financially helped with Amy,” this is her potential stepdaughter, “With Amy’s college tuition, her fees, her books, etc. I then overheard Amy telling her dad that I only gave her money to keep my friends close and my enemies closer, and Roger, my fiancé, started making excuses for Amy. She made rude comments. She tried to start quarrels in our home, including during my birthday party when she was saying that I was only looking for a sperm donor and her dad was only attracted to me because it made him feel younger again. I was 10 years younger. And she’s caused problems with her sisters. I get along well with them and she is trying to undermine my relationship with them. My fiancé Roger’s response is flat footed to her. He only stood up to her when things got really bad and she started attacking his integrity. I’m deciding whether to marry him or not, whether to tie the knot or go our separate ways. Amy is likely going to be a big part of our life. She’s moving back here in a year. I’ll forgive Amy, but not forget. Roger thinks I should forget the past and move on with a clean slate. I say we can go forward positively, as long as we learn from the past. Amy has other problems. I’ve seen her drive recklessly, bite her nails until they bleed, make very derogatory remarks about her sister and friends and say she even wished her own mom dead. Sometimes I feel adamant that there is no way I can spend my life around this kind of toxicity. Other times, I feel I may be too critical and I should just learn to ignore the problem like my fiancé suggests. After all, he says, don’t all relationships have problems? I don’t want to one day regret walking away from someone I love. What is your take? In love but scared and confused, Melinda.”

Melinda, you’re dealing with enormous uncertainty. This is a package deal. You are not just getting Roger, the many you love, but you are getting Roger plus Amy, because of his choices and his connection with her. And you’re saying she’s toxic to your relationship. She is toxic to your life, not just your relationship. Look at his character too. His character, you’re saying you undoubtedly love him, but man, you have big doubts about him. You say this guy doesn’t have the courage of his convictions, like where is the justice? He’s got a flat-footed response – I thought that was a cute phrase – but flat-footed response until his integrity is challenged, so he’s not standing up for you. He’s using your money for his children’s colleges. Now, sometimes that’s possible. I mean, sometimes that makes sense. But when she’s spitting in your face and he continues to use the money to put her through school, man, you are being taken advantage of. I don’t see him as being this wonderful, courageous man who can stand up for what’s right and help his daughter grow into a lovely woman. I think he’s enabling his daughter, and the daughter sounds very angry and vengeful.

The big question in my mind is, why is he enabling her? Does he feel guilty that he divorced her mom? Or does she have the dirt on him? Does Amy, his daughter, have the dirt on him? If so, legitimate dirt or stuff she fabricated? Are there family secrets you need to know about? You’ve been with him for five years, but that doesn’t mean that people have disclosed everything. You are marrying a toxic situation if you decide to marry him. Here is a quote from Atlas Shrugged – that’s my favorite book by Ayn Rand, at my website DrKenner.com – and Amy is not quite the vilest woman, but she’s not being very good in this situation. But from the book it’s, “I’ve sacrificed the noblest woman for the vilest. When one acts on pity, against justice, it is the good whom one punishes for the sake of the evil. When one saves the guilty from suffering, it is the innocent whom one forces to suffer. There is no escape from justice. Nothing can be unearned and unpaid for in the universe, neither in matter nor in spirit. And if the guilty do not pay, then the innocent have to pay.” Really important to hear that. That’s in Atlas Shrugged.

You’re saying that you and Roger love each other dearly? Well, to love is to value. To value you and he may value you in other respects, but when it comes to Amy, it breaks down and it’s telling you something about his character. You can invite him to talk. You can say, “Honey, I feel tortured inside. I want a future with you but not with Amy, not the way she is. And the burden is on her to change and for you to change your relationship with her. Not for me to forgive and forget and think that all relationships have problems. Relationships have problems, but not on this scope. This is like a guillotine hanging over our happiness.” So you may be in love with Roger’s hopes for the future. Take a close look before you make this decision Melinda.

I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on The Rational Basis of Happiness, toll-free, 1-877-DR-KENNER. Give me a call.