The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)

Dr. Kenner:      Lawrence, your wife discovered that you have a porn addiction?

Lawrence:        Yeah.

Dr. Kenner:      Tell me what’s going on.

Lawrence:        I’ve been married for 10 years and my wife, about a week ago, said that I have a porn addiction. Which I’ve actually had problems with before.

Dr. Kenner:      And she’s known about it in the past or this is a total shock to her?

Lawrence:        Yes.

Dr. Kenner:      She knew about it in the past?

Lawrence:        Yes. I pretty much hid it from her again the second time around.

Dr. Kenner:      When you say porn addiction, that can mean many things. That can mean that you’re going to strip clubs. I can mean that –

Lawrence:        Internet.

Dr. Kenner:      Internet. So it’s internet. Is it internet only?

Lawrence:        Yes.

Dr. Kenner:      Are you connected with a particular woman on the internet where it’s a one-on-one relationship and you admire her very much?

Lawrence:        No.

Dr. Kenner:      So it’s random.

Lawrence:        Yes.

Dr. Kenner:      Okay. Tell me what you would like the most help with.

Lawrence:        I need help with trying to understand what the best way is for me to get help.

Dr. Kenner:      If the goal is salvaging your marriage, one of the questions you want to ask yourself is, what has gone wrong in the course of the marriage that let the intimacy out of the marriage? What has not been working for either of you? My guess is she has not been satisfied either, and it’s not just sexual. The reason that it’s so painful to her is because it’s a rupture of the trust. And if you’re looking to rebuild trust, that’s where to begin and then best gift you can give her is to genuinely, honestly, without “yes, but” and without explanations, if she’s willing, allow her to let you hear her pain and her words and how it’s affecting her. Because she will feel visible. And you can’t guarantee that the trust will be built. It’s the first step, though, and it’s a wonderful first loving step. Just to say, “Honey, let me know how I’ve hurt you.” Would she be willing to talk to you that way?

Lawrence:        Yeah. And she has.

Dr. Kenner:      And she has.

Lawrence:        In some respect, yes.

Dr. Kenner:      When you completely hear her, let her know that you’ve heard her: “So if I understand it, these are the ways I’ve really hurt you. I’ve broken your trust again. You’re considering leaving the marriage.” Now, I’m making this up, I don’t know if that’s the case. “You’re furious with me. You don’t think you could ever love me again or trust me, and that you want out. Is that right?” And she may say yes. And that’s okay. She needs to allow that part of herself to say yes. Is there any strength in the marriage that you think that part of her wants to stay with you?

Lawrence:        Yes. I think so. I believe so.

Dr. Kenner:      Then that will be the second part that comes up. But when any of us feel burned or hurt by someone we love, we can’t say, “Yes, but I love you too.” What we need them to do, what the hurt party needs the other partner to hear, the other party to hear, is that we’re in a lot of pain. Because of some choice or action that they made, or something they said. That’s what we need to hear and we need to know that they fully, fully understand us. Partly it’s how to rebuild the trust. There are some books. Some people consider the porn an affair, so you can get the book After the Affair. I don’t have the exact subtitle, how to rebuild trust when a partner has been unfaithful. And that’s by Dr. Spring. That’s on my website, actually. I’m reaching for the book right now – healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. There is another book, Getting Past the Affair, and that book deals with the initial blow. It breaks it down in stages, so that’s also another good guide. That’s by several authors, the first one is Schneider. And those two should help you.

The bigger issue is yourself. Actually, this is so funny – I wrote a book, The Selfish Path to Romance, how to love with passion and reason. And that’s with my co-author Ed Locke. We have a whole section, a whole part in our book that we’ve dedicated to making yourself lovable. What does it take so that you love yourself? Because you can’t ask your wife to love you if you feel some self-contempt. Does that make sense?

Lawrence:        Yes.

Dr. Kenner:      You want to give yourself a lifetime gift for yourself, Lawrence, which is repairing that in yourself. And many people are attracted to the internet. I mean, the internet, what does it offer? It offers you sex with, it’s anonymous, it’s accessible, it’s affordable. But it gives you a pseudo-intimate relationship. It’s not a real relationship. And if you want the real thing, it starts with yourself. That’s why we titled our book The Selfish Path to Romance, because you need to value yourself. We don’t ever mean selfish in terms of run roughshod over other people. It’s truly valuing yourself. I hope that helps.

Lawrence:        It does, and that is a serious issue which I have heard you speak about cognitive therapy before. I didn’t know if that would be beneficial in my case, because I know there are things I need to work on, self-esteem and whatnot.

Dr. Kenner:      If this is a wake-up call for you, then this is the best birthday gift, the best holiday gift, the best ever give you could give yourself. I would say absolutely, if you are open to therapy, give yourself a hug. And definitely cognitive therapy is the best. AcademyofCt.org. You can go to it. Thank you so much for your call Lawrence.

Lawrence:        I appreciate it.

Dr. Kenner:      I wish you the best.

Movie clip

Male:               We can’t go around measuring our goodness by what we don’t do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we’ve got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include.      

Dr. Kenner:      And that is from Chocolat, a phenomenal movie. You think about your own definition of goodness. Is goodness to you the equivalent of duty, giving up, sacrifice? Does it bring a heaviness, a cloud over your head when you think, “I’ve got to be good? I wasn’t good today.” And you just feel like goodness is this weight, this anchor you have to drag around life, and if you could only shed that anchor you could be happy! You could be free. You could do whatever the heck you want and just really enjoy your life. What if your definition of goodness is off base? What if it is duty-based, sacrifice-based, non-you based? Now is the alternative to goodness me-only-based? My way or the highway based? Manipulate, cheat, steal, lie, do whatever you need to, to have a little bit of happiness in your life? And the answer to that, you know, is no. A resounding no. That is self-destructive, and goodness properly formed, the concept properly formed, means it’s good for your long-range happiness. It’s rational. It connects with the facts of reality. What are your values? What are your hobbies? Who do you enjoy in your life and what do you want to create? What career do you want to go into? What friends do you enjoy? What family do you enjoy? And do you have to feel obligated to anything you don’t enjoy? Stay tuned. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness, and we talk about goodness, your goodness, your happiness, with no ball and chain, with no anchor around your leg. This is happiness for you. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. I’m a clinical psychologist.