The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

Sandy, welcome to the show.

Hi.

Hi. And you're trying to separate from a boyfriend.

He's a man. He's a man friend.

Okay. When you say a man friend, how does that differ from a boyfriend?

He's not a boy.

Okay, how old is he?

He's almost 60.

Oh, you know, I never thought of using the term man rather than boy. That was wrong. Okay, that's true and so right.

Yeah, it took him a long time to become a man.

So anyway, you've been with him for how many years then?

It is just going to be a year, one year. Yeah.

And you've been living with him? No. Oh, no.

You're just home. I've got a home. So you and your household? I'm not old. I'm only 44 You're only 44. Isn't that nice? 44 years young? Yes. Yeah.

You're not a girl, though. Are you? New? No. You're a lovely lady. Lady. Okay. So what tell me what the situation that you're facing is?

Well, I've just learned that he's a diabetic. Yeah. And he's in the hospital right now and having surgery. And his lifestyle is getting much better in terms of him taking care of himself. But I'm really anxious and eager to decide upon finding myself a new love.

And what prevents you from doing that? What ideas prevent you from doing that?

Nothing? Nothing. I'm just I'm just trying to clarify, is this something that would be of a Okay, bring light from you or not?

If you said to me that you have a daughter who was being hospitalized because she has a new, name it the measles, the mumps was something more serious like cancer. And so you want want to run away from your daughter and find a new daughter? I would say what you know, we don't do that you run love your child. Yeah. And, and when they're hurt through no fault of their own. It's your child, it's your responsibility. And hopefully you're you love, you've chosen parenting and you want to stay there.

Everything changes when it's a man friend, okay? The The difference is that you don't have an obligation to stay with him, whether he's drinking, or whether it's an illness that makes you feel like you're no longer compatible. To stay with him. When you fit. Don't feel the love or don't feel the connection, or you see the age gap. Many times you know, as you get into your 60s, or 70s. And if you're if you're dating someone who's 30 or 40, guess what you start to notice,

Yeah, well, I am desperately, definitely wholeheartedly, romantically sincerely in love with him.

You do love him?

Oh, gosh, yeah.

So why would you want to break ties?

Because I am looking for some, I'm looking for lifestyle that I'm used to this much drained. And I'm, like I just said, he's a diabetic person. And I'm happy to continue to enjoy my lifestyle with traveling and doing the things that we used to do. And this has become something that's been an inconvenience for the both of us, but I'm recognizing it more so for myself. So you're trying, I'm trying to say that I would not like to completely break up with this person, but I'm certainly looking for another lover.

Well, it sounds like you can't have both open.

But see, that's that's what I'm used to.

Oh, wait, you're having, you mean two lovers, two men, you're making sure that you're sure sexually involved with him. Okay, so you're not looking for See, you asked me what my take is on this. And I think that you can feel very close and bonded and fond of of many, not many, but like to men will use your example to men. When you want an intimate relationship, one of the beauties of it is that is its exclusivity that you share. It's not just having sex.

Of course, my heart is definitely there. I'm quite fond of his way of doing things that makes me happy. But this is not gonna last forever. And I'm gonna need to have a couple of backups.

You want backups. Okay, you don't want it now, you know, a love relationship is a connection between two individuals. Have you shared this with him to tell him that you want another lover who doesn't have as much baggage health baggage

Somewhat. But I didn't mention the fact that this was an issue in regard to his health because I didn't know the the seriousness of this. He doesn't take insulin. He's just a person that take the property.

So how is it how is it interfering with your lifestyle? And have you found someone else on the side?

Yes, it isn't interfering because I don't know that he's really able to take care of himself and I'm not one is very good with sick individual.

Have you taken care of sick individuals in your past? Yeah, who comes to mind?

Oh, that's okay. Two people are that just left my life? Not long ago, I was a caretaker for a very long time for mom and dad. No, no, but anyway, I'm. not wanting to visit a hospital anymore. I'm not wanting to.

It's totally your choib listen, you need to share this with him and come up with a solution that works for both of you. What I would say if you want my take on it is you need to be honest with him with him. And let him know where you stand tactfully honest, I don't mean to go in Indiana think you would go in there like a bull in a china shop and said that, you know, you're sick, and I'm dumping you because I've done the hospital thing. And I'm moving on boy, you can just say, Listen, this, I want you to see the world through my perspective I took care of and I know you don't want to say who I don't think I will ever share that. Oh, that's fine. But I've taken care of two people in my life who were sick. And it's so traumatizing for me. I'm getting flashbacks or whatever happens to be. Just share this today. And yeah, and that I know, we're winding down on time. But I'm getting it's so traumatizing that I love you dearly. I will always love you. And I don't know whether it's possible for us to reduce our relationship to a friendship status, or, or what your thoughts are on it. But I'd like you to give it some thought because this is this is not working for me as much as I love you. So you're telling him you love many aspects of him. But that because of some trauma, you don't want to get into a caretaker role again, then you want to be careful shopping around because if you don't want a caretaker role, you want someone in your age range, at least I mean, you can't guarantee that they won't end up in the hospital for a car accident or something. But if you're shopping for people that are that much older than you who's 16 years older, then you're asking for that again. So you want to look at those dynamics. And I in my in romance, I look at the if you want the top romantic intimacy, then you're looking at, you're looking at one person, not two people, so I think it's fine to try to reduce the relationship to a friendship if he's willing to go for that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke,

We've made many suggestions about finding the right partner. This doesn't mean you should make a checklist of important attributes and then rate everyone you date by it and choose the one with the highest score. This is far too mechanical. It's best to spend time getting to know the person and to keep track of both your own rational judgement of and your emotional responses to that person. Identify what you like and do not like about the person and why introspect to identify the causes of your reactions. It sometimes helps to put your private thoughts into words and keeping a personal journal is helpful in translating feelings into clear thoughts and tracking your love trajectory over time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com


Sandy, welcome to the show.

Hi.

Hi. And you're trying to separate from a boyfriend.

He's a man. He's a man friend.

Okay. When you say a man friend, how does that differ from a boyfriend?

He's not a boy.

Okay, how old is he?

He's almost 60.

Oh, you know, I never thought of using the term man rather than boy. That was wrong. Okay, that's true and so right.

Yeah, it took a long time to become a man.

So anyway, you've been with him for how many years then?

That is just going to be a year one year? Yeah.

And you've been living with him? No. Oh, no.

You're just home. I've got a home. So you and your household? I'm not old. I'm only 44 You're only 44. Isn't that nice? 44 years young? Yes. Yeah.

You're not a girl, though. Are you? New? No. You're a lovely lady. Lady. Okay. So what tell me what the situation that you're facing is?

Well, I've just learned that he's a diabetic. Yeah. And he's in the hospital right now and having surgery. And his lifestyle is getting much better in terms of him taking care of himself. But I'm really anxious and eager to decide upon finding myself a new love.

And what prevents you from doing that? What ideas prevent you from doing that?

Nothing? Nothing. I'm just I'm just trying to clarify, is this something that would be of a Okay, bring light from you or not?

If you said to me that you have a daughter who was being hospitalized because she has a new, name it the measles, the mumps was something more serious like cancer. And so you want want to run away from your daughter and find a new daughter? I would say what you know, we don't do that you run love your child. Yeah. And, and when they're hurt through no fault of their own. It's your child, it's your responsibility. And hopefully you're you love, you've chosen parenting and you want to stay there.

Everything changes when it's a man friend, okay? The The difference is that you don't have an obligation to stay with him, whether he's drinking, or whether it's an illness that makes you feel like you're no longer compatible. To stay with him. When you fit. Don't feel the love or don't feel the connection, or you see the age gap. Many times you know, as you get into your 60s, or 70s. And if you're if you're dating someone who's 30 or 40, guess what you start to notice,

Yeah, well, I am desperately, definitely wholeheartedly, romantically sincerely in love with him.

You do love him?

Oh, gosh, yeah.

So why would you want to break ties?

Because I am looking for some, I'm looking for lifestyle that I'm used to this much drained. And I'm, like I just said, he's a diabetic person. And I'm happy to continue to enjoy my lifestyle with traveling and doing the things that we used to do. And this has become something that's been an inconvenience for the both of us, but I'm recognizing it more so for myself. So you're trying, I'm trying to say that I would not like to completely break up with this person, but I'm certainly looking for another lover.

Well, it sounds like you can't have both open.

But see, that's that's what I'm used to.

Oh, wait, you're having, you mean two lovers, two men, you're making sure that you're sure sexually involved with him. Okay, so you're not looking for See, you asked me what my take is on this. And I think that you can feel very close and bonded and fond of of many, not many, but like to men will use your example to men. When you want an intimate relationship, one of the beauties of it is that is its exclusivity that you share. It's not just having sex.

Of course, my heart is definitely there. I'm quite fond of his way of doing things that makes me happy. But this is not gonna last forever. And I'm gonna need to have a couple of backups.

You want backups. Okay, you don't want it now, you know, a love relationship is a connection between two individuals. Have you shared this with him to tell him that you want another lover who doesn't have as much baggage health baggage

Somewhat. But I didn't mention the fact that this was an issue in regard to his health because I didn't know the the seriousness of this. He doesn't take insulin. He's just a person that take the property.

So how is it how is it interfering with your lifestyle? And have you found someone else on the side?

Yes, it isn't interfering because I don't know that he's really able to take care of himself and I'm not one is very good with sick individual.

Have you taken care of sick individuals in your past? Yeah, who comes to mind?

Oh, that's okay. Two people are that just left my life? Not long ago, I was a caretaker for a very long time for mom and dad. No, no, but anyway, I'm. not wanting to visit a hospital anymore. I'm not wanting to.

It's totally your choib listen, you need to share this with him and come up with a solution that works for both of you. What I would say if you want my take on it is you need to be honest with him with him. And let him know where you stand tactfully honest, I don't mean to go in Indiana think you would go in there like a bull in a china shop and said that, you know, you're sick, and I'm dumping you because I've done the hospital thing. And I'm moving on boy, you can just say, Listen, this, I want you to see the world through my perspective I took care of and I know you don't want to say who I don't think I will ever share that. Oh, that's fine. But I've taken care of two people in my life who were sick. And it's so traumatizing for me. I'm getting flashbacks or whatever happens to be. Just share this today. And yeah, and that I know, we're winding down on time. But I'm getting it's so traumatizing that I love you dearly. I will always love you. And I don't know whether it's possible for us to reduce our relationship to a friendship status, or, or what your thoughts are on it. But I'd like you to give it some thought because this is this is not working for me as much as I love you. So you're telling him you love many aspects of him. But that because of some trauma, you don't want to get into a caretaker role again, then you want to be careful shopping around because if you don't want a caretaker role, you want someone in your age range, at least I mean, you can't guarantee that they won't end up in the hospital for a car accident or something. But if you're shopping for people that are that much older than you who's 16 years older, then you're asking for that again. So you want to look at those dynamics. And I in my in romance, I look at the if you want the top romantic intimacy, then you're looking at, you're looking at one person, not two people, so I think it's fine to try to reduce the relationship to a friendship if he's willing to go for that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke,

We've made many suggestions about finding the right partner. This doesn't mean you should make a checklist of important attributes and then rate everyone you date by it and choose the one with the highest score. This is far too mechanical. It's best to spend time getting to know the person and to keep track of both your own rational judgement of and your emotional responses to that person. Identify what you like and do not like about the person and why introspect to identify the causes of your reactions. It sometimes helps to put your private thoughts into words and keeping a personal journal is helpful in translating feelings into clear thoughts and tracking your love trajectory over time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com