The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Mary, you're dealing with a divorce and how to tell your young daughter.

Oh, actually, no, the divorce was about eight years ago. Oh, wow. happening. My daughter was only three and now that she's 11 We have some new issues. Okay. So basically what I'm looking for some objective advice. Okay. The question is, at what age do I start telling her the truth behind the divorce. And what's happening now is the just little background, the father left when she was three and her brother was the baby. Okay, and basically was, you know, to marry another woman, whom he is still with? And of course, I'm not friends with people, but we do have, you know, a business relationship.

You do you work with the dad?

No, no, no, no, I treat it as a business. Oh, okay. Meaning we're not friends. Because of what they did. I mean, right, completely immoral. And I am very big on teaching proper morals and values. And I've read all the books that you've recommended on your website, and I just love them. Oh, thank you have no with regard with regard to parenting. Right? So what's happening now is my daughter is pulling away from me. She's at that age where she'll be 12 this year, and she's starting to pull away and she's angry, I'd say that I don't like her stepmother. And, and my friends are telling me that I really need to start telling her the truth. Otherwise, I'm gonna lose her because in a couple years, she'll be able to choose where she wants to live. Right. That's my question to you. At what point? And I, of course, I don't want to damage her. She's still a child. Right?

Right. So, so, okay, so when a child is angry, if my kids are angry, as in as a normal parent, I would say, Oh, come on, get over it, you know, I want to just get them out of their pain and reduce it for me. Now, because I have skills under my belt if my child is angry, I want to become a detective, the most gentle detective that I can be. And I want to inquire, I want the data, what is driving the emotion of anger, the emotion of anger has a different theme than then when we're sad when we're sad. You're dealing with loss. Anger means it's not fair. And so what in my daughter's life? Is she experiencing whether it's based on fact or based on misinformation, as not fair? And that's what you want to focus on? It's not fair. It's not fair that mom won't get along with my stepmother. It's been many years. It's unreasonable. It's not fair. I want to play with my step brother or sister. It's not. I'm just coming up with some examples. What goes through your mind is I'm saying that.

Well, she's extremely intelligent, and she's point blank asking me what is it about her that I don't like? And, you know, I started talking about well, we have different values and morals and things that are important to me that I want to make sure that I teach you and I can't keep beating around the bush. She wants to know why I don't like her stepmom and why I'm not a fan of that relationship. But what's really scary is the past couple of years, she won't show me any affection in front of them. She's afraid to say I love you, Mommy. And when I asked her why won't you have to hug me goodbye anymore? She said because she's afraid it's going to hurt her stepmom feeling. So I feel like I'm losing my daughter.

Okay, and that's been going on for how many years?

Oh my goodness. We've been divorced almost eight years.

Okay, but since she's been pulling away about two years, two years what happened back then?

I just think she started growing up and she has more questions and she's being treated really well with love from over there and she doesn't understand why I don't feel that same you know, affection towards them and okay, I'm really not sure I'm the disciplinary I'm the educator. She spends every other weekend over there and she's terrified of hurting their feelings but she's not afraid of hurting mine.

Okay, so she feels safe with you she can you can be your punching bag but with them it's a treat and she doesn't want to rupture the relationship at all but she knows you're not leaving. You're not going anyplace and she knows you value her, and I could hear you're close to tears to thinking of her pulling away. Yeah, talk about the tears for a moment.

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Well, I am terrified that she is going to decide to go to want to go live over there. And she had a playdate recently with some other friends. A mother called me and said, Listen, your daughter was talking about the situation with my children. And I was so badly wanting to tell her the truth. Yeah, it's not my place. That's what she said. She said, Please tell her the truth. And I'm afraid I don't want this to have, you know, irreversible damage. I still want her to leave happy, normal childhood, but

you need to give her the information in an age appropriate way. Now, that being said, what the heck is age appropriate, right. And I think and I think that you could first ask her a honey, what goes through your mind, you're angry with me, you're seeing that you have a good time with Betty Sue. I'll give her a fake name Betty Sue. And why can I like your stepmother and you know, and you want to be able to for all of us to kind of sit around the campfire and sing Kumbaya and why isn't that happening? You seem really upset. What goes through your mind is a reasonable explanation for that. Now, she might come up with something completely bogus. You know, they just say that you're paranoid or they just say that this is why daddy had to leave you because you alienate people or this is, you know, I don't know what it is. What do you think she might come up and say?

She just thinks I mean, she don't she? Maybe she just thinks I mean that? I don't like them?

Okay, then I would say, Honey, on one hand, you might think I mean, I think you've been a little too young for me to explain what went on back then. Can you guess what might have gone on now? I don't know how savvy she is. Does she know about relationships? Does she know about affairs? Does she know anything about that? Just from watching TV.

We don't really watch very much TV, she probably only knows what she hears, you know, from her friends.

Okay, so you see, you don't know how savvy she is. What if then, if she hit if if you have an example in her life, you know that you know how you're you seem to be mean to your friend, but your friend lied about you. That's kind of what happened to me that Daddy told me something that was not true. And something was done behind my back. And as you get older, I'd love to tell you more. Right now, I don't think it's the right time. But I think it will make more sense and that I'm not a pain person. I was just very, very hurt. And some people you just can't be friends with honey. And I'm delighted that she's friends with you. I want you someday to know the full story. I think you're a bit young.

Yes, I have told her that before and that frustrates her.

Okay. And then then you can ask her well, what goes through your mind honey, and then you'd say, well, you know, daddy, and I were married. And he found a friend and the friend was her. And it kind of went behind my back. And I didn't feel good about that. And I think I wouldn't go into sexual stuff or anything. But you can give her like just in her terms, her friendships, you could give her an analogy that might help. And even the front, maybe the neighbor can tell her a little something. So it's not coming directly from you.

But my family was saying maybe they should be the ones to kind of, or they could have a gentle conversation saying, you know, your mom never wanted to hurt your stepmom.

But what you're seeing is the outcome of mom having been lied to. And it's hard to befriend someone who's been lied to and she's happy that you're happy. And mom's worked really hard to protect you. From the knowledge because she didn't want to destroy that relationship. She doesn't want to destroy it now. And she wants you to know the truth that she's not a mean person. She loves you dearly. So listen, I hope that helps. And I think that you want to enjoy more good times with your daughter too. I think that will bring you closer together and read the book How to talk so kids will listen because I think the disciplinarian will say right

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