The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.

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Nikki, your your question is about life in general.

Yes, ma'am

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

With me. I'm the type of person I help everybody out.

Okay,

I have a given heart, I guess you can tell that from my voice. Yeah. I help everybody out. But when it's my turn, and when I'm in me, no one can help me. And another thing. I've been in a relationship with my son's father, and it's been, we've been together eight years. And right now, I don't know. And I think that he's, I think he's part of the reason why I'm not succeeding in life.

Okay, what in particular is going on with him? Well, you're saying, let me sum up what I'm hearing so far, Nikki. And that's that you're the, you're the type of women woman who is a sweet, wonderful person who wants to help other people out and you even consider yourself having a giving heart that that's, that's that's who you've made yourself. And something's going very, there's like, something's gone way off track with that, because in your own relationship with your son's father, you can be very giving, but you get nothing in return. It's a one way street. It's his way or the highway. Is that accurate?

It is kind of like that. And, and honestly, I think he sees someone else.

Okay, so what evidence do you have that he might be cheating on you?

You know, we, we met me and tend to change up stuff. Yeah, ask them a question. They don't hardly remember what they told you. And, you know, yeah.

So what did he what happened? What was your first clue that your partner is not being faithful to you?

We were staying together at one time. And we want that moment. I want that moving back home, which is Adel, Georgia, and he'd be has been fantastic. Georgia. Yeah. Which is like 30 minutes away. You know, every time I call it, there is a will I call you back? I'm busy. And you know.

So he's, he's making excuses focusing on my school and like, I shouldn't worry about what he's doing, ma'am.

Yes, yes, I'm listening. So if so, what you're saying is that a relation, you've had a long term, a seven year relationship with your father, the father of your son, you guys never thought of marrying?

We did. And he wanted to marry at one time, but I chose not to because I didn't want to marry with ongoing problems.

Okay, I got Yeah. So you created a one way relationship, you were the giver. He was the taker, maybe not all the time. But that was the trend. And now you're hurting. And you want it to be more of a trade of the week while at a trader relationship where you rub my back, I rub your back and guess who wins we both win. So you both are giving and you're both receivers, you're not it's not just a one way street. That is the proper relationship in all human relationships. Even with a co worker or someone you don't want to have it a one way street. So any good relationship is based on that principle. The The second point I want to make and then I'll get to the affair is that your best friend is whom?

My best friend, yeah, I don't really have a best friend.

Well, you need one and guess who it is? I'm speaking with her.

Oh, you know, not me. Myself.

You bet. You bet. That you want to learn how to be the best friend you can to yourself Nikki. You need to learn how to tend to yourself how to nurture yourself. And if your goal is to get ahead in life, and go to school and focus on school, and you're feeling tortured by Is he my is he cheating on me or not? It is proper to feel tortured. We all would in those type of situations. And what would your best friend tell you?

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That - is - interesting.
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It is proper to feel told What should we all would in those type of situations? And what would your best friend tell you? Would she tell you to wrap your mind around him?

No, she would tell me don't worry about him. There's other more fishes in the sea, if it's meant to be here to be, but focus on what's gonna get you ahead in life.

You have the best best friend that you just discovered honey. You you carry around that best friend within you. She's not picking on you. She's not critical. She's loving you that that's what you want. I will tell me what's going through your mind now.

What's going through my mind now? Yeah. Focus moral school.

Wonderful. And that's coming from whom?

Myself and my best friend.

You're yourself and your best friend. And you want you can keep a journal if you want. If nobody else will read it. I don't know how, how old your kids are. But you can give yourself some pep talks in your journal. And you cannot control someone else's action. If my husband was cheating on me, I would feel devastated for a little while. But then I would want my best friend to come out and to give me encouragement to the best revenge they say is to get on with your own life rather than to seek revenge on the other person.

Yes, ma'am.

And that's what you want to give yourself? What are you in school for?

Respiratory Therapist.

Oh, my husband was one. Now this is a little off topic. But my husband used to teach respiratory therapy to a lot of nurses. That's a job for a bachelor, isn't it?

Yes. But I have my associates in it will finish the quarter. And I'll finish next year in April. But we can't walk into June. By the time we walk. I want to be already registered.

Okay, you are wonderful, wonderful. The My husband was a registered therapist also. And you notice your skill, what you're training yourself for is to help people do what? Respiratory breathe, right? So even your career, you want to learn how to breathe easily to learn stress management skills, to learn skills that can put you that that really make you your own best friend to give you more peace of mind. And if there's anything that you want to improve, I would say it's to let your best friend come out of the closet and and and be be there all the time with you. Yeah, so what's going through your mind now Nikki?

Just gonna go on it because I want to move in and with with Chad. I don't think he wants change. I think he wants to be right. I think he's comfortable. Because he works at a distribution center. He's making good money. Me personally. I used to make good money. But when you're in school, you don't get the hours you used to make and you're not getting the money you used to make either. Right, right? Well, you missed eight hours or you missed two hours. That's right.

Right. Are you still there? Okay, so tell me I want to share something else that I know about your best friend, you are feisty. This is Oh, I won't be able to do that. But I do want to say to you that you are incredibly feisty Nikki, that that energy that you have is what you want to carry through through your whole life, that that desire to get ahead to earn more money to make your life better. And I wish you the best with that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner . . .

It's it's almost beyond belief. She's funny. She's smart. And I would never believe a girl is beautiful could have such a great personality.

Ugly Duckling syndrome. She probably didn't get pretty till High School, less the personality had to develop out of necessity. It's an evolutionary thing.

You know what I bet you're right. And she's way too pretty to be so nice.

And isn't that something that so many people hold that if you're not as good looking, you're going to be a lot more fun to be around, you'll be a lot more comfortable to be around and you're probably a little brighter and a little more on the boil where if you are maybe the what do they call it the trophy wife or the very pretty pretty person that's the head turner, you probably are an air brain. Well what happens if that's not the case? I mean, people can be not as pretty and they can be not as smart to or they can be very pretty and very bright. So it's sometimes it's shocking to us because we always come with our own preconceptions. And we just need to meet the person and realize that it is not the looks that tell the whole story. They do tell part of the story. But it's not the looks that tell the whole story. It's what you do with the looks you have and your character and more specifically your moral character and by that I don't mean self sacrifice, I mean, making yourself into a person that you're comfortable sleeping with at night meaning you have peace of mind you like the choices you make you're proud of them. You think longer range about the implications of the choices you make today and how they will affect your future. Do you act on the range of the moment? Or do you think a little longer range you know, I really liked this guy want to marry him or let me get a little more information. I like him a lot, but gotta think this through and wanted to see what his friends tell me about him and his family and need some more data before I walk right into a marriage or a relationship.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke.

So how does one actually go about understanding one's partner mainly through talking and everyday observation. Partners also communicate by touching in for the more eloquent ones by writing romantic letters of poems. Of course, saying that partners should communicate is not an original idea. It's in virtually every book I'd love ever written. But it is amazing how many couples have problems in this realm. Many partners don't make communication a conscious priority. Some field their loved one should just know what they're thinking. Communication can be undermined by fear and partners may lack communication skills.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com